How do you sleep at night?

I'm a thinker. I have always been. I overthink sometimes. It's what I do. I love to think. Good or bad, it's a given.

I think about the news I see on TV. But do you know, despite its mostly negative messages, it's highly engaging for me because the TV News thinks about ME.

Lately, I've been thinking about the latest US Government Turnover to its new set of officials, mostly President Trump and Richest Contributor/Official, unqualified tech guy Elon Musk. If it's not apparent to you, they're out to ruin the world as we know it...with their rash decisions on most anything. Just watch the evening news. You'll know what I'm talking about.  

With hardly any thoughtfulness, Trump wants to make the disputed GAZA Strip his Riviera of the Middle East. Elon Musk on the other hand, wants to abolish the US Dept. of Education.

I am a student for life. I've never held an office position for more than a year. I don't think I belong in that environment. The last time I was seriously employed in 1993-1994 as graphic artist only gave me an irreversible and lasting physical disease...drug-induced focal dystonia of the R shoulder. That doesn't mean I don't work. As a matter of fact, despite the outward appearance of not having any kind of employment and being generally socially untethered, I enjoy what I do for a living...which is to do my Art. Now Art would hold on to a lot of meaning ranging from Fine Arts to Film to the Art of Writing, something I love to do. I used to be in charge of our family's business in renting out our small place at Apo which used to be our house to the growing Internet Online Gaming Business. The family has decided to give me my monthly maintaining fee of P2k for doing its "books". With a friend's mediation, I was granted P5k/month. Thanks to your quick phonecall, friend by the way. 

But it never really took off. The so-called family business. The only business I'm hanging on to for life.

The local City Hall practically halted their development (construction) despite all the government requirements they have provided. Besides, without really having a formal discussion with the entire family (all five of us included in its Land Title), some members of the family (two, namely the eldest doctor Alexis and the second male, Aly with a family of his own with two children) have decided the fate of that 200 sq m small plot of land I used to cherish with happy memories of childhood. They practically have decided to sell that small piece of commercial property a long time ago with the impetus of getting and giving each of us our share of whatever its monetarily worth in terms of its real estate value. To them, at least the two, the money is far more important to them than their childhood heritage, let's just say. That place would probably fetch not less than P30M in its current Real Estate value. We'll probably divide it into 5 for each of the siblings, one of whom they never really get in touch with but who desperately needs the funds having spent a number of years in a foreign land with no real family (support). I'm not even thinking about my share at this point.

All I'm thinking about, being accused of a daydreamer since god-knows-when by the Doctor himself who probably thinks of me as little no-real-contribution-to-society-and-has-to-be-provided-for-SISTER ...IS something that actually sustains me in my daily life, my only happy memories of childhood that helps me make sense of life.

Now, if that isn't important to Doctor, it's very important to me. Now if Doctor doesn't want to support me anymore with our daily food and essentials for living because of personal problems she has that have seemed to have spiked up recently, then so be it.

To be blunt, I took the Security Deposit the investor has given us for safekeeping. I felt I was running not only on empty but have reached the point where I am faced with a life altering decision. I need to take charge of my life or what has been sparingly handed me. It's a watershed moment for me. With our collective aging status, our descending health and my newfound sense of freedom, this is the time to do some things with what is left of our lives. I am the youngest in our family of 5 and I am already 60 years old. All my life, they're the only family I have catered to whether they're appreciative of that on not. I need to continue to face life without them, as I have chosen to do so since I went to journey on my own a long time ago when I ran away to Naga in College, our father's home town, when they were all busy catering to their own lives and careers. Maybe that was my happy place growing up. Maybe. 

Anyway, just as they have decided what to do with their lives, so have I. I want to spend the days remaining doing what I should have been doing a long time ago without all the interruptions, my Art.

Pursue my career, love, life, happiness.

How do I sleep at night? With proper food and exercise and generally taking care of myself, I sleep still inadequately at 3-5 hours a night but I've never felt more active, alive and at peace in life. I owe it to myself to love what little I have been given and which sometimes I steal for my very existence. I will risk my very life to maintain this newfound existence. To me, this is the only true wealth I want to share with the world. So please let me and just give me the money, my proper share. Do whatever is necessary to close our business with The Net.com. I have no more money to contribute. 

What about you, how do you people sleep at night?