Me, again

  Happy Birthday to Daddy on the 24th, November.  This box of Zatarain Rice from New Orleans will always remind me of my time in Naga from Lola's "Molino" or rice mill in Jacob St, a home away from home.  The unusual surname Zatarain was Lola Naga's maiden name so I was doubly delighted when I chanced upon this box in our house here, a gift from Rocky   some years back which I originally thought resulted from one of his trips to Spain where this unlikely coincidence would be more logical or even genealogical . *Inserted pic was from our trip in Niagara in the Winter of 1992/93 which I took of him, where I almost slipped and tripped into the Falls without anybody noticing because of general agitation/restlessness  but this is really not aboot me... This pithy time at least, it's about family! My watercolor art tribute to what is supposed to be his 102th birthday  meticulously displayed at home as an oversized refrigerator magnet!

1) For the entire Bherly Family to Die…instead of Me. 2) For All my Immediate/Nuclear Family to Disappear from my Life. 3) Na itong Hayup na Ito na ang Pulso nakadikit sa Puso ng mga Pulubi, Squatter at Durugista na kanyang prinoproktektahan, Mamatay ngayong gabi! No English speaking yan. Hindi makaintindi! Proud Titser yan ng mga hunghang, Very proud. Natutuwa lang yan kapag napapansin ninyo. Ito na yon, Pansinin mo. Dinggin mo pa. Katawa-tawa ka lang.  Yan ang Muslim na natatawa lang dulot ng nerbiyos at mapanumpa sa kapwa dahil buong buhay inapí! Wala siyang tunay na kaligayahan. Takot lang ang kanyang motibasyon sa buhay kaya’t mahilig manakot… Mag-ingat kayo dito sa baklang ito. Kung maaari, abutan na lang ng abuloy, huwag nang lapitan. Hingi ng Hingi…bigyan ng kung anong pwedeng i-abot. Parang hayup yan na nanlalaway sa pagkain. Mismo siya ang nagsabi. Kung ang gusto mo mangyari, buwagin ako para lang maka-isa ka naman kahit isang beses lang, subukan mo ngayong gabi. Nanonood ang

My friend recently posted this message on her social media and this couldn't be more timely in our current situation. I commented the following: Imelda. Marcos. The Poster Lady for Corruption all over the World, also our best well-known Celebrity! Isn’t it moronic? Next in line: All her children and their families entire, and now The Dutertes . All secret Drug Lords, Addicts, especially current president  Bong Bong Marcos!

As I was browsing photos in my iPad's Photo Library and looking at the pictures of our family’s yearly get-togethers where we would all sit side by side with grins that don’t mean anything more than having a good family photo op (after the obligatory hearty meal of fatty food),  I silently wish that I won’t be physically present this year. This is because I finally found my smile, and I don’t think they’d be happy with that.

Magaling mangatwiran ang katulong namin na si Bherly. Yun ang puno’t dulo ng kanyang katalinuhan. Pilosopo. Binibigyan ako ng sakit ng ulo at sakit. Paano ako hihingi ng tulong dyan? Sana mawala na yan sa pamamahay ng Diyos! Ang kaya lang niyang sagapin sa akin ay masamang balita at sa simulang simula pa lang, ayon sa kanyang kaibigan/kamag-anak na si Primrose na kung lait-laitin niya ang kabobohan nito ay kala mo nga isang tunay niyang kaaway. Tinatalikuran ang aking kabutihan….sa kanyang anak (Erl John, 13), sa kanyang pamangkin (Bimba and Princess), sa kanyang tatay (Mang Bert), sa kanyang asawa (Erlu/ WallyBayola look-alike), mismo sa kaniya, sa aking araw-araw na pakikitungo. Masyadong magaling para maging kasambahay. Ubod ng talino pero malakas ang "negativity bias".   No. 1 nga anak   niyang natanggap ngayon sa Phil. Science HS. Ginagamit lang ang kapatid kong Doktora bilang bukang-bibig na tunay niyang AMO. Hindi ko naman siya kinokontra kahit may "secret aganda&

Listen up, those with no ears! This is the endgame. I keep dictating what has to be done because the enemy has no more recourse but to throw everything that I say back to me in a bad way. It has come to its terminality. It filters out the rectitude in me and choose to give me shit, useless I-don’t-know-whats. If this is its way of keeping me alert and on guard, the actual effect is it’s really fraying my nerves. Maybe this is what it wants…just so it can grab my attention to its otherwise useless state of being and so this is what I give him or it (not sure if this is even a human being with redeemable parts). Well, these are my dictations/instructions for the needy, for the unloved, for the relentlessly vengeful soul. I have known from you from day one and I have given you every chance at love and I am shameless. You have shirked at every opportunity. You have been fearful of me from the very start. You have always always shunned me, especially in my hour of need. What makes you thi